SOLDIER ON Ryan

You know, sometimes when you're dealing with something as consuming as chronic untreated pain and degenerative illnesses complicated by the frustrations of political issues that are...well, not to sound like a whining child, but JUST NOT FAIR, a person's world can become pretty insular if not downright self-absorbing. Fortunately for me, kind of? I have plenty of other issues in my life to deal with so I can't spend all my time dwelling on poor me and myyyy situation (though I probably spend too much time doing so--if not directly, then by way of my activism on the McClellan issue).

It's easy to forget there are other people out there who are suffering too who aren't necessarily military veterans but who made life for a great many people a whole lot better--people who literally went into battle with the worst kind of enemy there is every day--the absolute evil. The person I'm talking about is Ryan Buell, and I have only tonight learned he has in his quietly strong way--his always putting others first way--been fighting another battle, this one for his very life, at least his life on "this side" and the foe is a substantial one, PaCa, Pancreatic Cancer.

As most people do--as I saw my own father do when faced with inoperable small smell lung cancer far too early in life--Ryan's first response was a mixture of shock, anger and denial. We are often taught as healers that these steps happen in a neat little succession but of course that's not true. Any "step" can rear its head at any time, often at the worst possible moment. Acceptance, if it really ever does come, comes to the old or possibly those wise and so deeply spiritual that they have literally peered beyond the veil and liked what they saw, or perhaps the so perpetually lonely and/or abused that they can only imagine the sweet relief of oblivion or the tender welcome of loved ones crossed before them and perhaps the joy of meeting the loving God of their belief.

Eventually the very best among us think beyond the me and focus on family and beloved friends. This is what both broke my heart and confirmed my belief that Ryan is a very special soul among us, perhaps too advanced for this world. That is not to say I want to see him go. My brother's death in the prime of his life made me realize just how heart shattering it is when death happens out of order, especially since I was as much mother as sister to him. It just should not happen that way, but that's not for us to decide. Clearly Ryan understands this and gave deep thought to the feelings of those he feared he would leave behind.

As Ryan stated in a People Online interview:

I really wanted to leave with things being better for everyone and leave the world a better place. I wanted to leave my family, my friends, my coworkers with something to move forward with. So I started to kind of focus on work, essentially building it up and getting it ready for me to bow out. I even spent some time filming tapes upon tapes saying my goodbyes.

Ryan Buell is a better soldier than many I served with, probably better than I was and a small handful of medals and some early promotions (not that common for women at the time) seem to indicate I did a fairly decent job. I guess it's not unusual then that his motto would be "SOLDIER ON!" I'm oddly honored by that, but I guess I'm just a fangirl at heart. His show did introduce me to the wonders of paranormal investigation--something I remain extremely interested in to this day and also something that has given me a deeper understanding of events that have happened since both my parents and my little brother--well, younger brother--crossed over within a recent five year period.

They were my entire family of origin. Only my two sons and I remain unless you count distant (physically and emotionally) family. So Ryan's ability to give hope that there's more than just "this" was tremendously comforting. Each of us as fans have learned something life changing from Ryan and the others. I hope his legions of fans, all sending out prayers and well wishes are giving Ryan some comfort and strength now. No matter how quietly strong he may seem on the outside there's no doubt he needs every one of our prayers...so please, let's get to it!

When I worked in the Unit (NICU) the little premature babies who did the best were those who had the most people praying for them. I'm not even religious--not at all, but even I could see what happened right before my eyes. The doctors would pronounce them hopeless and we would be providing comfort measures only and the next thing you know they'd be breathing on their own with lung tissue so scarred up from being on the ventilator for so long there was absolutely no way they should have been able to move air on their own. They'd have yeast all through their little bodies from the antibiotics and steroids they had to be given and have so many healing spots from used up veins (from IV infusions) that they had to use major blood vessels as a last resort to get fluids and nutrition, yet somehow they are the ones who would pull through without brain bleeds (which are extremely common in very premature infants) and we'd see them four years later and they would have perfect vision and no Cerebral Palsy. THAT is a miracle, and the only thing that explains it is the power of prayer because if anything many of these babies started out at a disadvantage compared to others as far as maternal health and self care, prenatal care, time in transport, severity of complications etc. were concerned. I guess what I'm saying is it's not over 'til it's over, and there's no such thing as hopeless if enough people put their thoughts, prayers and energy into something.

I suggested this on the People Online comments page and I'll suggest it here too. If you could please set aside a few moments at 7pm Eastern time each evening and say a prayer on Ryan's behalf I know it would help. This world works in way we still have a very poor understanding of, but we don't have to understand it to DO it and make it work. Think of it as sending positive energy or couch it in whatever terms make you happy, just please give back to Ryan some of what he's given us. Maybe I'm really just being selfish after all, but even though I don't know him on a personal basis there's part of me that relates to him in a very strong, kind of motherly/nurse-like and protective way and while I realize it's not for us to decide, I'd like us all to get our wishes known on his behalf.

When I meditate now I use his words as my mantra...for him and for me, and I think of him in the loving arms of his friends, his Guardians/Guides and his Maker.

Thanks Ryan.

Sending love and light, prayers, wishes and positive thoughts...and to those Guardians we all have, inside and ever near, may legions of them watch over you and keep SOLDIERING ON DOUBLE-TIME, and so may you!